Mental Health Image

When I had my lovely little bundle of love (Jazzy) I already was aware I might suffer from depression. In fact most of my teenage years involved hospitals, psychologists and psychotherapists, but i wasn’t prepared for the fear that I experienced when having Jasper. The fear that someone was going to snatch him. I was convinced someone would steal him and that even came down to believing my lovely hubby would do this too. Leaving him alone at any point was not an option, and people trying to touch him made this worse. It’s been 2 years, 11 months and whilst I am about 80% better, my fear of him being snatched has never gone away.

I still get anxious leaving him, and hate a change in routine. Knowing what’s happening every day calms me and who he is with. Changing a routine, moving days and anyone coming into contact with him that I didn’t know about sends me into a fury of rage vs protection. I hate strangers talking to him & would spend every day, every weekend locked in a house if I could (yes I know I can’t). But on the outside would you know this? Probably not. Learning to cope has to be an option and I guess will always be apart of my life.

Follow on Bloglovin

Family Photo with Rob, Jasper and MummySo, I haven’t really talked allot about having PND (Post Natal Depression) when I had Jasper, but it is something that I finally feel ready to slightly open my doors on. It started about 4 months after Jasper was born, not only did I loose the desire to eat, sleep or generally sit still, I had an obsessive cleaning desire and the need to not let anyone touch Jasper. I know some people experience different things, but eventually on going to the Doctor, I was diagnosed with PND.

I did my research when I was told this is what I ‘had’ and to be honest, disagreed with allot of what I read. I suffered from Depression from the age of 14, and had a really rough time growing up and realising I was not a ‘happy’ person. Constantly pushing myself and never settling for anything other that perfect (whatever perfect was). After having J, I suddenly realised I wasn’t and never would be, good enough to be his mummy. I even think that now. I look at him and just think ‘wow.’

So, 2 years on, and whilst ‘cleared from medication,’ from the Doctor’s, I have good days and bad days. Mainly good days but its a daily battle of telling myself, I do the best I can. Not helped actually by reading about all these lovely mums who get to stay at home with their babies…something I would have loved to have done, but food, house and clothes are pretty important too.

I guess what was really hard, was realising it never was going to go. It is always there and it just depends on how I control ‘it.’ By the way ‘It’ not being PND – but Depression in general. I think I always had it in me, just it got called a fancy name after birth. It is also hard being strong. People around me think I am a strong person. Really – inside I am crumbling, held together by sticky tape and a loving husband & Jasper. I’m not strong, but those walls are only for my little family to see.

Tag Cloud

ASDA Baby Baby Carrier Baby Girl Birthday breast breast feeding breastfeeding Calpol Child Christmas Cleaning Dentist Digital Marketing Family Frilly Knickers Holiday Ipswich Joules Knickers Krumblies Love Marketing New Baby New home New Mum NEXT OCD PND Post Natal Depression Pregnancy pregnant Reviews Social Media SPD Stress Suffolk Summer Teeth Toddler Toddler Issues Twitter USA Washing Wee Wee

Share me around

Sorry, we're having trouble loading this Tumblr.