So, I haven’t really talked allot about having PND (Post Natal Depression) when I had Jasper, but it is something that I finally feel ready to slightly open my doors on. It started about 4 months after Jasper was born, not only did I loose the desire to eat, sleep or generally sit still, I had an obsessive cleaning desire and the need to not let anyone touch Jasper. I know some people experience different things, but eventually on going to the Doctor, I was diagnosed with PND.
I did my research when I was told this is what I ‘had’ and to be honest, disagreed with allot of what I read. I suffered from Depression from the age of 14, and had a really rough time growing up and realising I was not a ‘happy’ person. Constantly pushing myself and never settling for anything other that perfect (whatever perfect was). After having J, I suddenly realised I wasn’t and never would be, good enough to be his mummy. I even think that now. I look at him and just think ‘wow.’
So, 2 years on, and whilst ‘cleared from medication,’ from the Doctor’s, I have good days and bad days. Mainly good days but its a daily battle of telling myself, I do the best I can. Not helped actually by reading about all these lovely mums who get to stay at home with their babies…something I would have loved to have done, but food, house and clothes are pretty important too.
I guess what was really hard, was realising it never was going to go. It is always there and it just depends on how I control ‘it.’ By the way ‘It’ not being PND – but Depression in general. I think I always had it in me, just it got called a fancy name after birth. It is also hard being strong. People around me think I am a strong person. Really – inside I am crumbling, held together by sticky tape and a loving husband & Jasper. I’m not strong, but those walls are only for my little family to see.