Family Photo with Rob, Jasper and MummySo, I haven’t really talked allot about having PND (Post Natal Depression) when I had Jasper, but it is something that I finally feel ready to slightly open my doors on. It started about 4 months after Jasper was born, not only did I loose the desire to eat, sleep or generally sit still, I had an obsessive cleaning desire and the need to not let anyone touch Jasper. I know some people experience different things, but eventually on going to the Doctor, I was diagnosed with PND.

I did my research when I was told this is what I ‘had’ and to be honest, disagreed with allot of what I read. I suffered from Depression from the age of 14, and had a really rough time growing up and realising I was not a ‘happy’ person. Constantly pushing myself and never settling for anything other that perfect (whatever perfect was). After having J, I suddenly realised I wasn’t and never would be, good enough to be his mummy. I even think that now. I look at him and just think ‘wow.’

So, 2 years on, and whilst ‘cleared from medication,’ from the Doctor’s, I have good days and bad days. Mainly good days but its a daily battle of telling myself, I do the best I can. Not helped actually by reading about all these lovely mums who get to stay at home with their babies…something I would have loved to have done, but food, house and clothes are pretty important too.

I guess what was really hard, was realising it never was going to go. It is always there and it just depends on how I control ‘it.’ By the way ‘It’ not being PND – but Depression in general. I think I always had it in me, just it got called a fancy name after birth. It is also hard being strong. People around me think I am a strong person. Really – inside I am crumbling, held together by sticky tape and a loving husband & Jasper. I’m not strong, but those walls are only for my little family to see.

It is hard being a mum and it must be hard being a grandparent. Even more so when the two grandsons have been born approx 8 months apart. What is even more difficult is that my parents have Jasper three times a week. This was planned from when he was 9 months old (he is now 2.5 years old). After Christmas this will be going down to 2 days a week and at the end of the year, 1 day a week. It has been planned with precision and everything was perfect. Then, said nephew, has come into the picture (and I adore him by the way), but seems to be ‘given’ to my parents every single weekend and any time during the week that they fancy it.

Therefore, not only is Jasper’s routine messed up, but nephew, who is very different to Jasper, screams the house down and causes Jasper to come home unhappy and wanting alot of my attention. After a week away on holiday, we texted nanny to let her know we have presents and missed not seeing her for a whole week – but surprise surprise, their whole week and weekend was spent looking after said nephew and she ‘can’t possibly see Jasper’ as she is ‘exhausted’ and ‘busy with said nephew.’

Wow. That is all I have to say. We don’t ‘dump’ Jasper on anyone and have him every weekend without fail as we both work all week. When I am ill, or Jasper is ill, we have him and holidays and bank holidays (of course) have him. This is not the case with said nephew.

Am I right to be miffed? I would love a weekend ‘off’ but would miss my boy & I am his mother. Why is it I am the only one bothered?!

Love a Miffed and Seriously Peeved Off Mummy xx

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