Some of you may laugh, but I am writing this full of tears that are now dripping down my face. The salty taste leaking into my mouth that makes this so hard to write.
When Fleur became ill and went into Hospital at 13 weeks over night, when she came out, she started to refuse to feed from me. The initial heartbreak I thought would be short lived and she would return to bf, but with the increasing stress in my life (cannot explain that in detail at the moment) and my body going into exhaustion from coping with it, I feared my supply was not as strong as it used to be. That, with Fleur sensing my ‘stress’ she completely refused to feed from me. To say I was gutted wouldn’t even come close. After weeks of battling the pain, the tiredness and finally being strong enough to feed anywhere in public, I strongly believe that my little lady sensed my levels of stress just topple over with her going into hospital. I tried to feed her, hold her, cuddle her and express (she would take expressed milk) but she would not latch onto me for a feed at all. Already on the edge and pushing back the feelings of depression, it came tumbling on top of me like a tonne of bricks. After consulting a Lactation specialist, Doctor, Friends and Family to try and get back to breast feeding, she will not feed off me at all.
That was now nearly 4 weeks ago. She is thriving on bottles and with the help of the wonderful team at Nuby, we have transitioned easily onto bottles and formula. How do I feel? It has taken me 4 weeks to write this post. I feel like a failure. Like I’ve lost something I wasn’t ready to give up and I believe this has happened due to the stress put on my body by external factors. I feel alone. I feel angry and I feel like I could scream and cry all at the same time. No words have made me feel better and no words will. My journey has ended and I wasn’t ready at all.